Relationships and Communication

For years I thought I knew how to communicate. After all, I’ve always been social, even if deep down I’m introverted. But whenever I tried to express something delicate, I got it wrong: I sounded cold, blamed the other person, attacked instead of speaking from what I felt.

I’m not trying to convince anyone of anything or sell “my truth.” I just want to share what I discovered. And also to be grateful—because there were people, especially a past relationship, who helped me see the importance of learning to communicate with clarity and empathy.

Even though I still have a long way to go in terms of relationships and communication, the difference has been huge. That doesn’t mean I no longer fail, say, or do stupid things; on the contrary, it still happens. The difference now is that I can recognize those patterns, apologize, and try not to repeat them.

Violent or disinterested communication

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I realized that many times I spoke too fast, almost vomiting out ideas, just to avoid being interrupted. For a long time I felt no one listened to me, so I developed the habit of rushing everything to “make sure” I was heard. The result: poor clarity and, when it came to delicate issues, complete coldness.

I also discovered that when something bothered me, my automatic reaction was to attack. I wasn’t speaking about how I felt—I was speaking about what the other person “did wrong.” That shut down conversations and escalated everything into arguments.

Sometimes I also fell into disinterest: thinking that what others said was irrelevant or boring, when in reality it was my own bias of wanting to be heard without listening. I believed that disinterest went unnoticed, but it doesn’t—it’s as obvious as when someone tries too hard to please.

Living for others instead of yourself

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For a long time I lived to please. In friendships, relationships, at work… I wanted to fit in at any cost. But I learned that living to please others is the fastest path to frustration.

It’s hard to pinpoint the exact moment when I stopped living for myself. That doesn’t mean I once had sky-high self-esteem or never sought approval, but I clearly remember that at 22, with my first IT job and new freedoms, I poured all my energy into enjoying life and achieving what I wanted for myself. I had understood that it wasn’t worth being around people who didn’t enjoy being with me for who I was.

Over the years, though, the pursuit of goals and values that came from others clouded my vision. I lost direction, I lost purpose, my inner flame slowly dimmed. But it’s never too late to change.

There is nothing more attractive than someone who accepts themselves, loves who they are, and lives in coherence with their own values. That doesn’t mean becoming narcissistic—it means understanding that we can’t invest more energy in others than we do in ourselves.

Speaking from the heart

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One of the hardest lessons came with my father. I always felt attacked by his words… until one day I told him how they made me feel. I asked him not to say those things, and gave examples of what he could say instead. To my surprise, he understood and put it into practice. That’s when I realized that what he was (badly) trying to express was love and presence. He didn’t know how to communicate it, just like me. From then on, our relationship changed.

Speaking from the heart means saying: “this makes me feel…” instead of “you make me….” And trust me, the difference is huge.

The importance of vulnerability

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I discovered that being vulnerable didn’t make me weak or boring—it made me genuine. It’s far more attractive to be who you really are than to try to be perfect. Perfection doesn’t connect; vulnerability does.

Being vulnerable means accepting that you make mistakes, that you can be clumsy, that you can say or do silly things without noticing, that something funny to you might not be to others, that you have limits, that you feel, that you care about others but not more than about yourself. Opening your heart can bring a lot of pain, but it’s the only way to experience genuine, dazzling love.

Sexuality as communication

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Sexuality is also communication. It’s another language, as deep as words. And it’s amazing how little people actually learn about it. It’s not just “in and out”: it’s care, curiosity, shared pleasure. Giving pleasure is just as important as receiving it, because both are ways of saying: I see you, I value you, I want you to enjoy with me.

It’s sad to think that many people die without ever experiencing an orgasm. Getting to know yourself—and then sharing that with someone you trust—is one of the most beautiful human experiences.

Boundaries

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Setting boundaries was one of the hardest things for me. At first, I felt guilty. But I learned that communicating what I need, what I accept, and what I don’t, doesn’t destroy relationships—it strengthens them.

And when the other person doesn’t respect those boundaries, I also learned that it’s okay to cut contact. Sometimes the healthiest thing to do is to stop talking, even block if there’s no other option. And that too is communication.

Nonviolent communication

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In short, this whole journey taught me that nonviolent communication isn’t about speaking “nicely,” but about speaking with love, empathy, and clarity. It’s about sharing what we feel without seeking blame, while also listening and validating the other person’s perspective.

Categories

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I’ve grouped these books into categories so that each person can prioritize according to their current moment in life.

For example: if your main problem is that you don’t know how to set boundaries, it makes more sense to start with Nonviolent Communication before moving on to Relationship Dynamics. Or if your biggest struggle is intimacy, maybe a book on Sexuality is the best place to start.

Don’t try to take it all in at once. Prioritize what is most important and urgent for your life right now.

Goal

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I’m not here to sell magic formulas or universal truths. All I want is to share my process: how I went from attacking to communicating, from living for others to living for myself, from hiding what I felt to speaking from the heart.

If you’re at a similar point, maybe these books can be a good start for you too.

Books

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